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[0:00] Okay, I need a ballpark time of when we eat lunch. Oh, okay. So, I mean, we're thinking noon-ish.

[0:10] Okay. We'll have a break in between the two sessions of maybe 15 minutes or something. Okay. Can you manage that? All right, I can. Maybe. All right, well, good morning.

[0:22] Good morning. Okay, so did everybody hear me say that we take charge cards and debit cards, and if he tells you that if you give him cash, I'll spend it on the way home, that is not true.

[0:45] He's teasing about that. But let me tell you about some of these books that we have. Can everybody hear me?

[1:06] Is it loud enough? Okay. Okay, this book, Damsels in Distress, I had originally titled it Problems Women Face Today.

[1:21] So, when it was, publishers get all pushy about titles. And so, they called me and said, at the end of this week, and they said, we want to go to print next week, but we don't like your title.

[1:43] I said, well, I like my title. It just says what it is, Problems Women Face. He said, that's negative. I said, well, title it Biblical Solutions for Problems Women Face.

[1:58] That's positive. He said, that's boring. So, I have a routine when I write a book. I give it to my daughter, who is an English, high school English teacher, AP English.

[2:14] And so, she puts all the commas in and takes them out or whatever. One time, she X'd out a whole paragraph, and she wrote, Mom, this paragraph has no point.

[2:26] I said, that was my favorite paragraph. I couldn't find a point either. I don't know what happened with that. But anyway, so, Anna corrects the grammar, and then I fix it.

[2:43] And then I give it to my pastor, and he reads it to make sure that the scripture is in context, and that I'm doing that right.

[2:57] And over the years, he's been there. I've learned a lot, so he doesn't have to correct me near as much as he used to. But they were both very familiar with the book.

[3:10] So, I could not think of a different title. And so, I called them both, or I texted them both, and I said, Will you meet me on Saturday at Starbucks?

[3:24] We need to come up with a different title. And this, we got to do it this weekend, because when you change a title, you have to rewrite parts of the book.

[3:36] So, I was not happy about this whole thing. But Anna said yes, she would. John, our pastor, said no, he wouldn't. His wife had just had their fourth baby, and he wasn't getting much rest.

[3:54] I didn't care that he wasn't getting much rest. Her mother was there. It wasn't like she was by herself. So, I begged him.

[4:06] I said, I'll buy you anything you want at Starbucks if you'll come. So, he finally said he would come. Well, he looked like he'd been up all night. He drug in there, and he sat down.

[4:18] He didn't even say hello. Hello. So, Anna and I started talking about titles. And finally, John said, Call the book Damsels in Distress.

[4:33] Well, when he said that, Anna and I looked at each other and said, Oh, we like that. And John never said another word. He picked up his coffee, and he laughed.

[4:44] So, if you do a search for Damsels in Distress on Amazon, it comes up first, and then all the medieval books come up.

[4:57] So, anyway, it's funny. But each chapter stands by itself, and it has different topics, like gossip, idolatrous emotional attachments, manipulation.

[5:12] We're going to do that in a minute. Hurt feelings, vanity, PMS. If you're young enough to have PMS, then you might be interested in that.

[5:25] So, you might want to check that out, Damsels in Distress. This book, Modesty, is a book that I wrote with one of my other pastors, Kent Keller.

[5:39] He was a youth pastor for a long time. He wrote the book and couldn't get a publisher.

[5:49] It's hard to get a publisher if you're an unknown author. And plus, his book read like a master's thesis. It had so many commentary quotes and stuff in it.

[6:02] But it was really good. But he titled it, A Gold Ring in a Pig's Snout. Which, there's a proverb that says, Like a Gold Ring in a Pig's Snout.

[6:16] And, but the, anyway, long story short, I decided, when he couldn't get a publisher, maybe if I hooked on with it and helped him with the book, that we could get a publisher.

[6:37] And so, that's what happened. But P&R Publishing didn't like the title. And I said, Of course you don't like the title. That's just routine.

[6:49] So, finally, we just pushed back and said, Well, you, what do you want us to title it? So, they said, Modesty. Which really says what it is.

[7:00] More than a change of clothes. So, anyway. I'll tell you all about some of the other books later.

[7:12] All right. Let's get started here. We're going to talk about manipulation. And, when you're being manipulated, it is so difficult to even know what's happening.

[7:29] And, you get confused. You have an emotional reaction. And, you either give in unbiblically or you just have to get angry and push back.

[7:44] And, it's just like a, it's not a win-win situation. When I got saved, I was teaching nursing at a college. And, I had to share an office with another instructor.

[7:59] Her name is Katrina. She's one of my good friends now. But, I was not a Christian. I was a wild person. And, Katrina came to work every day talking about the Lord.

[8:16] I didn't even know who she was talking about. I just ignored her. And, but she went to a little Bible church that the pastor taught verse by verse.

[8:27] I'd never heard of such a thing. I thought that was weird. I bet that's what happens here. Okay. It's okay if he does teach the Bible. He has to study to do that, by the way.

[8:40] But, anyway, so, Katrina, it was like being chained to the Apostle Paul being in there with her.

[8:52] And, finally, when the Lord saved me, she said that was the happiest day of her life. And, I believe it. But, she started discipling me.

[9:03] Well, two days a week we had students in the classroom. Three days a week we had students in the hospital. So, one day we were at the hospital with our students.

[9:17] And, we came out to the parking lot and she got something out of her car, which was her Bible, and she walked over to me and she said, I want to show you something in the Bible.

[9:33] So, this was routine for her to do this. She was, she was a teacher. She was teaching me. So, she read me, Proverbs 27, verse 5 and 6.

[9:45] Better is an open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.

[9:59] And, I said, what does that mean? Faithful are the wounds of a friend. And, she said, well, if somebody is your real friend and you're doing something wrong, they're going to tell you the truth.

[10:12] But, tell, tell it and, you know, speak the truth in love. But, an enemy is just going to kiss up to you and tell you what you want to hear. She said, I'm your friend.

[10:24] And, and then I began to realize I've been had. So, I said, oh, she said, and I need to tell you something.

[10:36] And, I said, what? Back in the deep south, we say, what? So, she said, and neither one of us, it's been so many years, but we can't remember what it was I had said or done that morning.

[10:53] but, I'm sure she was right. So, she said, you said to the students this morning, blah, blah, whatever, you can't talk like that.

[11:08] Now, I didn't cuss my students. I just want you to know that would not have been professional. Although, there were days I felt like it. But, she said, you can't talk like that.

[11:22] And, I said, as a Christian, and I said, I don't believe you. Both of us really wish we remember what I had done, but there is no telling what I did or said.

[11:38] So, she, I said, you show me in the Bible where it says I can't talk like that or say things like that.

[11:49] and she was ready. She knew me. So, she showed me verse after verse after verse. So, this is when that day that, and it was embarrassing for me to realize, okay, she's right, I'm wrong, I'm going to have to ask the Lord to forgive me and then the next day, I was going to have to ask my students to forgive me.

[12:22] And, it was difficult, but God gave me grace. He gives grace to the humble and he gave me grace to do that.

[12:35] that lesson that she taught me about the wounds of a friend or faithful has stuck with me for years, for all these years.

[12:49] That's not the only time somebody has reproved me. I mean, this is life and if somebody really loves you, they're going to tell you the truth.

[13:02] So, faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. And, since then, I learned more about reproof and somebody coming to you.

[13:15] Jesus said in Matthew 18, 15, he said, if your brother is sinning, go to your brother privately and tell him what he's doing wrong.

[13:27] And, if he repents or she repents, it's the end of the matter. You don't have to keep going back to them. But, of course, if they don't repent, then you take two or more with you and confront them and do it in love.

[13:46] And, 1 Corinthians 13 says, love is kind. So, just be gentle and kind, speak the truth in love and give them hope, give them encouragement.

[14:01] encouragement. Now, it is difficult to convince. I counsel a lot of women who have issues, problems with other people.

[14:14] And, if they're being manipulated or the other person, maybe it's their husband or maybe it's their grown daughter, are sinning against them, it's really hard to speak the truth in love.

[14:34] And, it's always uncomfortable for the person who has to go and confront the other person. But, it is a huge mark of maturity in the Christian life.

[14:48] It's part of getting the beam out of your own eye. Matthew 7, verses 1 through 5. And, it's very common for women, especially wives, to know that maybe if their husband is trying to manipulate them or he's a bully, he uses anger or false accusations against her or whatever to get his way, they know it's not right, but they don't quite know what to do.

[15:20] Sometimes he'll use the Bible to manipulate her. Well, you won't do this for me and whatever it is he's asking may be sinful, so she can't do it because she would have to sin against God to do what he wanted to do.

[15:40] Like, I'll give you an example, look at pornography with him, that kind of thing. So, they know that's not right, but they want to be a good Christian and they don't know, well, I'm supposed to be submissive, so what should I do?

[15:59] So, we're going to talk about that. It's easy for me to explain this to you, but it's very hard in the emotion of the moment to implement it in your life.

[16:16] People, you have an emotional reaction and it's mixed with a little bit of pride to and it's confusing. So, I want to transition into thinking biblically about manipulation.

[16:38] Manipulation is sin. So, just kind of, one of the things I have to do as a counselor is redefine words or concepts using biblical terms and concepts.

[16:58] Once we do that, then things clear up and then it's easier to understand. But, let me just give you a common scene.

[17:09] The wife is bitter. Now, when she feels hurt, that's the emotion she feels when she's bitter. She's ready to throw in the towel and the marriage, tries to reason with her husband, but her husband accuses her of being the problem in their marriage.

[17:31] For example, she's not submissive, not loyal, not a good Christian. So, she becomes confused and doesn't say anything for a while because she wants to be a good Christian.

[17:46] And she knows that what her husband is doing is not right, but she's unsure of herself. So, I'm defining sinful manipulation is using unbiblical words and or your countenance or your how you come across and how you look at the other person to bully the other person into letting you have your way, all the while knowing that if you cannot have your way, you can at least punish the other person in the process.

[18:26] So, you can make, if you're manipulating somebody to try to get your way, then you can at least make their life miserable and punish them in the process if they don't get their way.

[18:46] Manipulation usually escalates, starts out sweet, nice talk. I'll give you an example. My dad was not a believer.

[18:59] He got saved when he was 89 years old. It was amazing when he got saved. But, before that, he was not a Christian.

[19:11] But, he was a good man, pretty much a good man. He had a sister who was a widow and she had had a bad stroke.

[19:23] Well, that stroke landed her in a nursing home. And, she lived for five years. She was paralyzed on the right side and she could not speak because of the stroke.

[19:38] But, her mind was good. I mean, she understood us and she knew what was going on. So, my dad had, he had a rule in the family that somebody had to visit her every day.

[19:57] This went on for five years. Well, I picked a day, I think it was Fridays, that I would go and I would take her out to lunch or just visit her, whatever.

[20:12] He hired a lady, a Christian woman, to come three days a week and then mother and daddy did the other days. Well, we would swap days often if something came up in my life or their life and he called me one day and he said, your mother and I would like to do, I don't know what it is, I don't remember now what it was they wanted to do, go do something with their friends on Saturday, so could you visit your aunt Ruby on Saturday?

[20:50] And normally I would have said, yeah, you know, we'll swap. So, I said, oh, I'm sorry, but we've already committed to whatever it was we were doing that day.

[21:02] Well, so daddy started out with sweet talk, he was very nice, very reasonable, and then he got mad, because he wanted to, whatever it was he wanted to do, he wanted me to give in, so he made a false accusation against me and he said, I thought you loved your aunt Ruby, and I'm like, what?

[21:31] Where did that come from? He knew that was not true. So, I, my natural tendency was to start defending myself, telling him how much I sacrificed for her, how much I loved her, I would do anything for her, and I thought, if I say that, God will strike me dead.

[21:55] So, I don't need to be defending myself against a false accusation. I need to help him think rightly through what he had just said.

[22:08] So, I said, Daddy, listen to yourself. You just made a false accusation against me. Of course, he knew I was a counselor.

[22:22] And, to try to bully me into having your way. there's nothing wrong with asking me to swap days with you, but you must graciously take no for an answer.

[22:37] So, give him the answer he deserves so that he won't be wise in his own eyes. Now, there was this long pause on the other end of the phone.

[22:49] That's not how he expected me to react. And, I was holding my breath to see, you know, what he was going to do or say.

[23:02] So, finally, he realized that what I said was right and that I was trying to help him understand what his responsibility was, was to graciously, graciously take no for an answer.

[23:25] And so, finally, he said, oh, well, I'm not mad. I said, well, you were. But, anyway, he graciously finally took my response and was gracious about the rest of the conversation.

[23:49] Now, not every person that is described as a fool in the Bible will graciously back off.

[24:00] But, some will and they will. But, if I had started defending myself, I probably would have ended up in tears begging him to believe me how much I loved my Aunt Ruby.

[24:16] That wasn't even the issue. So, this manipulation usually escalates. It starts out sweet talk, then begging.

[24:31] Now, Daddy didn't beg. He went straight to the point. Crying, being angry, giving the person, if you're trying to manipulate somebody into giving in, the cold shoulder, you start punishing them if they can't get, if you can't get your way.

[24:52] Accusations, false accusations, finally, threats. I mean, threats can go to the extreme. I'll kill myself if you don't do this for me.

[25:03] So, the manipulator. So, you've got to think these situations through in a biblical way. The manipulator is described as a fool in the Bible.

[25:19] A fool won't listen. They only want to have their own way. Proverbs 18, 12 says anger resides in the bosom of a fool.

[25:31] They're arrogant. They're proud. They won't take no for an answer. And, they think they are above accountability. So, do I need to say that again?

[25:43] The manipulator is a fool. A fool won't listen. They only want to have their own way. Anger resides in the bosom of a fool. They're arrogant and proud.

[25:54] They won't take no for an answer. The world calls this kind of behavior verbal abuse. They would use the word abuse.

[26:05] So, if somebody tells me that their husband is abusing them verbally, I need to know some examples.

[26:16] Give me some examples of what you're talking about. I believe them. I just need to know examples. Now, how are we biblically to respond back to a fool?

[26:28] do not answer a fool according to his folly, Proverbs 26, verse 4, or you will also be like him.

[26:40] So, then you have two fools talking to each other. So, it's just lovely. You know, they're yelling and crying and arguing back and forth.

[26:51] A fool answers back in anger or defends themselves at length. When somebody accuses you, you're not a good Christian, you're not submissive, you know something is wrong, but it's hard in the heat of the emotion to respond back in a godly way.

[27:17] So, this is, they counter attack with their own accusations or threats or begging. This is returning evil for evil and there are two fools talking to each other.

[27:33] But Proverbs 26, 5 says, answer a fool as his folly deserves. You want to help him, try to help him think rightly or respond rightly that he be not wise in his own eyes.

[27:48] A wise person will give the fool, the original fool, an answer that will convict him of his responsibility before God.

[28:00] In the process, the wise person may have to suffer more verbal abuse from the fool, but they will be suffering for righteousness sake.

[28:11] Now, when I got trained as a biblical counselor by a man named Lou Priolo, and he headed up the Atlanta Biblical Counseling Center.

[28:25] So, he hired me to come work part-time for him, and I worked with Lou for eight years. And I remember one day, he counseled a lot of parents and rebellious teenagers, teenagers, and so, one day, he, I remember standing in the hall at the counseling center, and he showed me this Proverbs 27, verse 6, faithful are the wounds of a friend, and explained it to me.

[28:58] And I thought, oh, that is so good, because I was counseling wives whose husbands were doing this to them, and they didn't know how to respond.

[29:10] And so, the next time I had a wife come in and tell me the scene and the story of what happened, I still didn't quite get what I was supposed to tell them.

[29:26] So, I would go back to Lou. Twice I went back to him and said, okay, explain this to me again. So, he did. Finally, the light came on in my mind, and then I was able to help other women with this.

[29:44] So, in the process of all this is when I had that conversation with my dad, and I was hesitant of, okay, now what am I supposed to do?

[29:59] So, let me give you some examples. Examples of how to respond to biblically, and I made a chart, and on the left side is the manipulation ploy, and then the middle is a husband and wife example.

[30:16] Now, this is the wife trying to manipulate her husband, and then as his, or you could say her, folly deserves.

[30:27] All right, it starts out sweet talk. The wife says, sweetheart, I think I need a break. would it be all right if I go to the beach for a week with my girlfriends, and you take care of the children?

[30:41] All right, that sounds good to me. And he says, honey, I wish you could, but this is going to be a really tough week for me at work.

[30:51] I need you home. Perhaps we can work out something later for a shorter period of time. Okay, now he's trying to be nice about it, but he's going to have to be firm because he needs her for that week.

[31:08] So then she won't take no for an answer, so she begins to beg. Please, please let me go. I promise I won't ask again for a long time.

[31:18] Please say yes. And the husband says, honey, I wish I could say yes, but my job to support this family has to come first.

[31:31] First Corinthians 11, 3, he's the head of the wife. And then she begins to cry because she's a drama queen.

[31:43] She really wants to go to the beach. Tears well up in her eyes. I'm so disappointed. It hurts my feelings that you don't want me to go.

[31:55] Now, she's lying about him when she says, you don't want me to go. First thing he said is, I wish you could go. And then he told her why he needs her home.

[32:09] The husband says, sweetheart, it is your responsibility, or give them their responsibility, to graciously take no for an answer and to stay home and not resent it.

[32:25] Titus 2, verse 4 and 5. And then she gets angry. In an angry, harsh tone of voice, this makes me so blank-to-blank mad, I want to go.

[32:38] Obviously, she wants to go. So, the husband says calmly but clearly. It's understand, he's just being extra nice. It's understandable that you are disappointed, but it's not okay to be disappointed and sin in the process.

[32:58] Your responsibility is to put your family first. Colossians 3, verse 8. So, then, if she can't get her way, she can at least punish him in the process.

[33:13] She thinks, I'll show him, and not speaking to him or speaking in a snippy, cold tone. So, he can't help but notice this.

[33:24] And he says, honey, you're being rude and malicious. When you act like this, as a Christian, your responsibility is to be kind and tender hearted and forgiving.

[33:38] Ephesians 4, 32. So, then she starts hurling false accusations against him. You don't love me.

[33:48] you only care about yourself. I thought you cared about me. You're not fair. You get to go to work every day, and I'm stuck home with these kids.

[34:02] They're driving me crazy. I venture to say she is driving everybody crazy in the home. The husband says, honey, you're using a sinful, he could have said false accusation to try to have your way.

[34:21] Instead, you should be thinking, how can I make that week as easy on my husband as possible? The wife was created for the man's sake, so my husband's responsibilities at work are more important than my vacation.

[34:38] 1 Corinthians 11, 8, and 9. So, then, Miss Drama Queen starts making threats. If you don't let me go, I'll go anyway and get a babysitter.

[34:52] I don't know what I might do if you don't let me go. It's like a bail threat. You're not fair. I'll leave you and may or may not come back.

[35:04] If I leave, I'll move away and you'll never see your kids again. I'll divorce you, I'll kill myself. So, I mean, she is over the top.

[35:17] Now, when somebody makes a threat like that, I'll divorce you, you'll never see your kids again, can you just automatically legally do that?

[35:30] No, you can't. You'd have to, it'd have to be a big court battle for custody. I don't even think this woman wants custody of her kids, but the husband says, honey, if you do that, you will be sinning and it will be difficult for me and difficult for the children, but God will give us the grace to go through it.

[35:59] 1 Corinthians 10, 13. Okay, so do you see how this fool is manipulating to get her way?

[36:11] All right, now here's another example of a mother and an adult daughter example. Now, the mother is the problem here.

[36:23] Starts out sweet talk, mother to daughter, honey, I know that you know my divorce was your dad's fault. He has not changed and I don't want you to let the children see him.

[36:37] All right, so this adult daughter and her family, they had made plans to go see her father who had all kinds of sinful issues.

[36:51] He was not a believer, but they wanted him to at least be somewhat in their lives and the mother found out about it and just said, no, I don't want you going.

[37:07] The adult daughter says, mom, I know that dad abandoned our family. He loved his sin more than he loved his family, but we have decided to visit him to give him a blessing and share the gospel with him.

[37:25] First Peter 3 verse 9 and verse 15. Let me read that to you. 1 Peter 3 verse 9 says, well, verse 8 says, to sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit, not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead.

[38:00] So, the daughter and her family wanted to give their dad a blessing. Did he deserve it? Probably not, but they still wanted to do the right thing.

[38:15] For you will call for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing. So, the mother starts begging, please don't go visit him.

[38:30] I don't think I could stand it knowing you were spending time with him. Now, they were just going to go for a weekend, and they hadn't seen him in months and months, and it's not like they were going to move in with him and live with him.

[38:48] The daughter says, Mom, I know it might be difficult, but God will give you the grace to bear up under this. 1 Corinthians 10, 13.

[39:01] So, then the mom begins to cry. She's crying and she says, this is really hurting me and upsetting me. You can't do this to me.

[39:14] Me is, everything's her, about her. The daughter says, not answering like a fool. Mom, your responsibility is to give us the freedom in the Lord to reach out to daddy and for you to be glad for him that we can visit him.

[39:35] If he doesn't come to know the Lord, his earthly happiness will be all that he ever has. James 3, verse 17, 18.

[39:46] Let me read you that. This reminds me of when Anna, our daughter, got married and moved to Greenville, South Carolina and that first Thanksgiving she called me about a couple of weeks before and she said, Mom, we've decided to go to her husband's parents for Thanksgiving and I panicked.

[40:22] I said, no, you can't do that. You have to come home. Home is where we live. And so I taught Anna some things and she said, Mom, listen to yourself.

[40:39] You should be glad for those people. And of course she nailed me. I mean, she was right. And I'm thinking, I hate those people.

[40:51] Now, I really didn't hate them, but I didn't want her to go there. So I was like, well, I hope you have a nice time. So Thanksgiving Day, she called me.

[41:07] Oh, and then after I hung up, I was a young thing then. But I started crying. I was like, Thanksgiving is ruined. We can't have it.

[41:18] We're blah, blah, blah. We're not going to. So I called, thank you. He was at work. And he said, what is the matter with you? And I said, Anna's not coming home for Thanksgiving and it's ruined and we're just not going to have Thanksgiving.

[41:32] And he said, yes, we are. I'm going to invite the whole church. Well, our church wasn't even as big as your church. And they all came.

[41:45] We had the best time ever with all these people. So Anna called me that afternoon to wish us a happy Thanksgiving. And she heard all these people laughing and talking.

[41:59] She said, what are you doing? I said, well, your daddy invited the whole church over and they're here and we're having a nice, very nice time. And she said, oh, I wish I was there.

[42:13] I had to bite my tongue to not say, too bad, so sad. So anyway, that, that's my Thanksgiving story.

[42:30] But I tried to manipulate her and it didn't do any, it didn't work because I had taught her too well. so anyway. All right, so then this mother gets angry because her crying didn't work, her begging didn't work, so she's yelling in anger at her daughter, this makes me so angry, it's not right what you're doing, you've got to stop.

[42:59] so the daughter says, to try to help her mom think rightly through it, actually this is the right thing to do.

[43:10] Mom, you're using anger to try to manipulate me so that you can continue to punish daddy for what he has done. Instead, you should pray for his salvation, have mercy on him, and be thankful that we are going to see him.

[43:27] Matthew 5 and verse 7. So then the mother starts giving her daughter the cold shelter, she's going to punish her.

[43:38] Talking to her daughter, but she's short, aloof, and rude, and obviously punishing her, but turns to other people in the room in a warm and gracious manner.

[43:51] So the daughter can't help but notice this, and later she says, goes to her mom and says, you're being rude and unkind in order to try to have your way.

[44:04] What you're doing is not right. Instead of giving me the cold shelter, you should be more concerned about my feelings and daddy's salvation than you are focused on yourself.

[44:19] Colossians 3 verse 12 through 14. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14. 15.

[44:32] Let me see if I can find it. Colossians 3 starting in verse 12.

[44:48] It says, So as those who have been chosen of God, these are believers, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another, putting up with one another, and forgiving each other.

[45:10] Whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.

[45:28] Now this love is agape love, it's sacrificial love. This is not the warm, fuzzy feeling, romantic love kind of thing. This is just, if we don't forgive others in our heart, and then even outwardly, then the Bible says that neither will God forgive you.

[45:53] So this is not an optional thing. So the mother goes through her crying spell, her anger spell, her cold shoulder spell, and then she starts making accusations against her daughter.

[46:11] You're not the daughter I thought you were. Well, I think she is her daughter. How could you have a relationship with him after all he has done to me?

[46:26] I thought you loved me and cared about me. You were the one person in the world who understood and who cared for me during the divorce. How can you do this to me after all I've done for you?

[46:40] So the daughter says, instead of defending herself, she's trying to give her mom a gracious answer in how she should be thinking.

[46:53] Mom, listen to yourself. Your responsibility is to graciously give me the freedom to visit my dad.

[47:03] You should also pray for his salvation. I know that daddy, in a sense, is your enemy. But the Lord Jesus told us to love our enemies.

[47:18] What you're doing is sinful and you must repent and honor God. Give God honor. If you go visit your dad, I will never see you again.

[47:38] This is a wicked woman. You are ruining my life and I don't know what I might do. That's a veiled suicide thing.

[47:52] And then the daughter, and that's scary. It's scary because some people are so mean. They will carry stuff like this out. So the daughter says, if you never see me again and your life is ruined, it will be a consequence of your own sin.

[48:14] That would be especially difficult for me. But if you follow through with your threats, God will give me the grace to go through it, to bear up under it.

[48:24] So you've got to think these situations through. And at any time, if you get confused, then say to the person, I need to think about what I want to say and I'll get back with you.

[48:42] And so go to another room or go somewhere else and think about, okay, she said, I said, she said, I said.

[48:53] And then figure out biblically how to try to help her and not defend yourself in the process. And then go back and tell her, all right, this is what I should have said or this is what I want to say.

[49:09] A third example is a mother and a teenage son example. The boy starts out with sweet talk. Mom, may I borrow the car tonight to go with my friends to the movies?

[49:24] Simple, nice, normal request. And she says, no, son, I'm sorry, but I think it best you stay home tonight and rest for school tomorrow.

[49:39] So then he starts following her around the house begging, please let me go. All my friends are going. I'll be the only one who can drive us. If I don't go, they won't get to go either, please.

[49:53] And then she says, son, I'm sorry, but this is a wisdom issue. And I think it unwise, so you need to stop begging me. How should you have? And then she is trying to get him to think this through rightly.

[50:09] How should you have responded when I said no? Proverbs 28, verse 13. He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.

[50:34] So then he gets tears in his eyes and he's like begging, mom, please let me take the car.

[50:44] I promise I'll be careful. And she said she goes back to give the fool the answer that they deserve so that they won't be wise in their own eyes.

[50:56] Son, your responsibility is to graciously take no for an answer and to repent from demanding your way.

[51:07] So then he gets mad and he starts yelling at his mom, why won't you let me go? And she's probably thinking, well, I'm not only going to let not let you go, I'm going to kill you.

[51:20] That's probably what she's thinking. Stomping out, he stomps out of the room and slams his door. Mom can hear him throwing things around in his room.

[51:32] So then she says to him, son, you're using anger to try to get your way and to punish me. Instead, you should show love to God by honoring your mother's decision and be grateful to God and to me that you can take the car on occasion.

[51:54] So then he starts punishing her and gives her the cold shoulder, refusing to speak to his mom, but gives her a cold stare when she tries to talk to him.

[52:05] She notices this and says, son, you're still using unbiblical means to manipulate me to get your way.

[52:16] This is what you're doing is not right. What you're doing is sinful and you are to stop. Ephesians 6, verse 2. The child is to obey his parent.

[52:29] He says, you're not fair. I thought I could depend on you. You don't love me. You're being selfish. You're doing this deliberately to embarrass me in front of my friends.

[52:46] And then the mother says, son, you are being a fool. You're acting like a fool. You say you're a Christian. And if you are, you should see my decision is God's will for you.

[53:01] Your responsibility is to gracious and gratefully honor what I say. So then he starts threatening. I hate you. I can't wait to get away from you.

[53:14] I will leave here and you'll never see me again. I'll go anyway, no matter what you say. And then she says, you're being very malicious.

[53:27] If you do those things, it will be difficult for me. But God will give me grace to endure it. And you will face the consequences of your sin.

[53:40] So this is just, I mean, this is, these examples are just commonplace. And you can see it in a three-year-old who doesn't get his way.

[53:56] Or you can see, and you want to fight those battles, by the way, moms, when they're three and not when they're taller and bigger and stronger than you. But if you have difficulty in responding rightly or thinking on your feet about how you should respond, if you become confused, say something like, I need to think about what I want to say and I will be back.

[54:27] Then go somewhere and write down the conversation. He said, I said, he said, I said. Whether it's your husband, whether it's your daughter, whether it's your mother, whomever, your friend, analyze it point by point biblically so that you can respond in a wise manner instead of like a fool.

[54:54] If you've responded like a fool, go back to the original fool and say, remember when I said, blah, blah, blah, that's not what I should have said.

[55:07] This is what I should have said. And so tell the person what you should have said. The more you work at thinking what I call biblically objectively, and that would be with a goal of loving God and loving the other person.

[55:27] Loving the other person doesn't mean that you just give in to when you shouldn't give in. The better you will be at showing love to the other person by trying to help them see their responsibility.

[55:46] So all of this needs to be said and done in love. Remember that in a verbal battle with a bully, the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

[56:01] James 1 and verse 20. So whether it's your three-year-old who's trying to bully you or your 17-year-old or your 40-year-old husband or your mother, whomever, then you need to show love to them.

[56:23] But your anger, an angry outburst from you is not going to achieve what God wants you to do.

[56:34] And it's not going to help the other person recover from what they're doing wrong. So speak in a gentle, kind tone of voice.

[56:47] Don't raise your voice because love is patient and kind. You know, a soft answer turns away wrath.

[56:58] And I have a theory about that. It's because if the, I think, the other person is angry and you start speaking softly, they can't hear you.

[57:10] So they're going to stop yelling so they can hear what you're saying. That's kind of what I think happens. And then pray and ask the Lord to help you.

[57:20] 1 Thessalonians 5 and 17 says, Be thankful for all things, for this is God's will concerning you in Christ Jesus.

[57:32] So thank the Lord for the test, for the trial. Thank the Lord that he promises to give you wisdom and help you. Set your heart on becoming more like the Lord Jesus Christ, who never spoke in sinful, unbridled anger or foolish, proud defense of himself.

[57:53] He always perfectly showed love for God and love to others, even when they were sinning. And then humbly consider the other person as more important than yourself.

[58:08] Philippians 2 verse 3, Paul just says, Consider the other person as more important. Others is more important than yourself. And then point number six, have the hope that if you must suffer, you can suffer for the Lord's sake by doing what is right, not by doing what is wrong.

[58:32] So, this is easy to teach, but I'm telling you, it's hard to do in the emotion of the moment.

[58:44] So, this kind of sinful manipulation is using words and or your countenance, how you look at the other person, how you talk to them, to bully or persuade the other person to let you have your way.

[59:02] If you cannot have your way, you can at least punish the other person in the process. Now, this is a common sin. Verbal bullying is a common sin.

[59:16] Persevere by God's grace. Learn to think and respond rightly when you're talking with a biblical fool. And if you're the one acting like a fool, then ask the Lord's forgiveness and ask forgiveness of those that you have offended.

[59:35] So, are we going to have a Q&A at the end? Okay. So, if you still have questions about this, write them down so that you can remember to ask me at the end.

[59:52] This is, Lou taught me how to do this and how to teach this. And it was easy for him to say. He was just rattling off all this stuff.

[60:04] And I thought, Oh, that is such a good practical idea. And then when I tried to explain it to somebody else, I was like, Let me check with Lou again.

[60:15] So, it's easy to say, but not easy to do because you're going to have an emotional reaction from somebody trying to do this to you.

[60:29] So, anyway, let's pray. Father, we do ask that you give us clarity in this, that we won't act like fools, but that we will try very hard to help other people who are acting like fools.

[60:51] And even to the point of saying to them, what you're doing, what you're saying is not right. Your responsibility is.

[61:04] And then we can fill in the blank. Lord, help us to be calm and godly and just showing love to the other person, forgiving them, even if they don't deserve forgiveness.

[61:23]  But we can forgive them in our hearts. We pray and ask these things in Jesus' name. Amen.