Session 4: Redeem the Time + Q&A

[0:00] All right.

[0:30] Anyway, I apologize that we don't have but a couple of each of these left, but I did want to tell you, just for your future reference, these are the two most important books I think I've ever written.

[0:49] I used to say Attitudes of a Transformed Heart was the most important book I had ever written. If I could have only written one book for the Lord, it would have been this one.

[1:02] But, oh wait, I picked up Damsels in Distress. I want, I think it's out. It's Precious Truths in Practice.

[1:13] Does anybody have one of those they can hold up? I thought you had it in the podium. You're in the brain book. This says Damsels in Distress. I don't know what I have.

[1:28] Yes. That's it. This one is a much more recent book. This is the one holding fast to God when you're overwhelmed.

[1:40] And it has different attributes of God and then different doctrines. And I ended each chapter with one of my charts.

[1:51] And so, anyway, I don't know how I picked this one up. It was good too, and you haven't talked about it. Well, the Attitudes book is based on Romans 12, 1 and 2.

[2:04] Don't be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It has a section on having a high view of God, what that means, a section on different applications of Bible doctrine.

[2:24] What is Bible doctrine? Why is it important? And then the doctrine of how God guides us and the doctrine of worshiping God.

[2:38] And then chapter 9 is how to think biblically. And then several chapters after that, different hearts, attitudes that come from how we think, what we tell ourselves.

[2:53] So, anyway, when people come up to me and say, I've read your book, they're not talking about any of these books.

[3:04] They're talking about The Excellent Wife. And it could be good news or bad news that they say, I've read your book. But it always overwhelms as far as the numbers of the books.

[3:21] But those two, I think, are more important than The Excellent Wife. Now, we have two DVD sets out there. And each one includes the video of me doing the lectures and a separate CD with the handouts in them.

[3:42] And the Excellent Wife DVD set is 12, I mean, 24 one-hour lectures of me doing supplement material to the book.

[3:57] So it's not a rehash of the book. But it's related to each chapter. And it has the handouts with it. It has even the PowerPoints with it.

[4:09] So I recommend that. And a lot of churches like to have that set to use as a Bible study. But I recommend that the ladies read their chapter in The Excellent Wife book.

[4:23] Do their study guide. And then listen to the lecture. And it also, you know, they can take notes with the handout.

[4:34] And I recommend, I do go over the study guide answers at the end of my lecture.

[4:46] But I recommend if you're doing a class, you turn me off and go over it with your ladies. And let them talk longer. Because I'm going, like, pretending like I have an audience.

[5:00] And I don't even have anybody. When we did those lectures, it was the funniest thing. They, my husband set up these big camera and then big lights all around.

[5:18] And I'm sitting at my desk. And so he told me if I mess up, I had to start over. Well, there was wires and stuff all around.

[5:30] My desk was, like, here. And his desk was to my left. Well, he decided at some point that he needed to get to his desk.

[5:42] But he couldn't walk in front of me or behind me because the camera would pick him up. So I saw him out of the corner of my eye come and hesitate.

[5:54] And then he got down on his hands and knees. And I thought, I'm going to die. So he starts crawling in front of my desk.

[6:06] And then he got tangled up in the wires. And I'm thinking, I'm going to kill him. So then I saw his leg.

[6:17] He was trying to get out of the tangle. So anyway, if you hear me go, like that, it's because that's what he was doing.

[6:27] But this other DVD set is a Counseling Women, 10 hours, 1 hour lectures. And you can look on the back to see.

[6:40] And it has the DVDs in it, too. So just in case anybody wants to know what's available. Okay, we are supposed to talk about redeeming the time because the days are evil.

[6:59] And I would say amen to that topic. I became a Christian, let's see, how many years ago?

[7:12] It was in 1979, I believe. And I was 33 years old. Everything changed in my life.

[7:23] It was like night and day. Most of all my priorities changed. And God gave me a hunger and a thirst for instant righteousness.

[7:35] It didn't take long for me to reorder my life. I don't know if I told you this story, but I was halfway through my master's degree in nursing. I was teaching nursing at a college.

[7:49] And I was working full time. And I became instantly convicted that I needed to be home more with my family. Because I was working full time during the day and then going to school in downtown Atlanta at night, most nights.

[8:05] So I wrote a letter to the dean of nursing at Georgia State University. And I said, and I had just learned this as a new baby Christian, that I said I've become a Christian.

[8:24] And the Lord, I had just learned that the Lord Jesus is coming back. That was news to me.

[8:36] And I got so excited about it. I said, so I don't have time for this program. Withdraw me from the program. So they did.

[8:47] And I'm sure they still think I'm a nutcase. And every once in a while when I think about the Lord coming back, I think, Lord, please, before they all die, let you come back.

[9:02] So I want at least somebody to say that's what she was talking about. So anyway, since then, there have been several times in my life when I had been faced with the decision of how I was going to use my time.

[9:23] I remember the day when my husband told me, I want you to rearrange your schedule, do whatever it takes, and write the Excellent Wife book.

[9:36] Well, Lou Priolo, my mentor who taught me biblical counseling, he had been encouraging me to do that.

[9:48] And then he was telling everybody else to encourage me to do that. And he snuck around behind my back and talked to Sankey and said, if you tell her to do it, she'll do it.

[10:00] So I really did take that seriously as a submission issue. But it took me three years to complete the book.

[10:12] And I really worked hard at it. I mean, it was a slow, there's a net or something out here. Anyway, Jonathan Edwards, he was America's premier theologian, wrote a list of resolves.

[10:30] He had all the resolve to do this and resolve to do that. But he resolved never to lose one moment of time, but to improve it in the most profitable way I possibly can.

[10:46] And fortunately for him, they didn't have Facebook back then and computers and all of that. But what I know about him, he probably was able to fulfill his resolve, of course, by God's grace.

[11:04] I have never had quite the resolve that Jonathan Edwards did. But I have thought in 10-year increments.

[11:16] Now as I get older, those increments are getting shorter and shorter. But from now until 10 years from now, what do I want to look back on and know that I have accomplished for the Lord?

[11:31] And it's not always writing a book either, but it may be teaching something or improving my counseling knowledge and skills or whatever it is, thinking in 10-year increments.

[11:50] Those of you that are young can think of 10-year increments. Those of you that are my age can think of maybe four or five-year increments if the Lord tarries. So you want to be faithful.

[12:07] You want to grow in God's grace. So not everybody has as much freedom as I do at this stage in my life.

[12:18] But you do have some time, and it's a gift from God for his glory, whether it's discipling your children or helping your husband or whatever it is, serving in the church.

[12:34] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above. James 1 verse 17. In 1 Corinthians 10 31, it says, Whatever you do, do all for the glory of God.

[12:51] So you're not less spiritual if you're cleaning your home or changing your baby's diaper. If you're doing it because you love your family, you love your child, you love the Lord, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.

[13:13] So Ephesians 5, 15 and 16 says, Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of your time because the days are evil.

[13:31] So we have so many things that we can waste our time on. In our counseling, we give homework. So most people do their homework.

[13:47] It's not overwhelming what they have to do, but they are to be reading their Bible every day, and I'll give them assignments of what they're to read, and then also extra homework.

[14:00] And if they don't do their homework, I want to know, Well, how many hours did you spend on Facebook this week? Or how many hours did you spend watching TV this week?

[14:17] So if they don't have time to do their homework, they don't have time to do Facebook or watch TV either. So we have so many things now that we can just fritter our day away.

[14:36] Some day, time, 24-hour days as we know it, will be no more. The Bible talks about the end of time.

[14:48] We'll be in an eternal state when the Lord comes back, not a 24-hour day time limit. So organizing your time is like I said, organizing your pantry.

[15:03] You get it all straightened out, and before you know it, it's time to do it again. So it's time for me to do my pantry again anyway.

[15:14] So for this lecture, I would like to accomplish three things. Giving you some biblical principles concerning our use of time.

[15:24] Secondly, concentrate on Ephesians 5 where Paul wrote, Make the best use of your time because the days are evil.

[15:36] And then thirdly, give you some practical tips on wisely using your time. So let's start with the biblical principles.

[15:48] God has appointed a time for everything. Ephesians, I mean, Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1 through 11.

[16:01] There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.

[16:15] A time to give birth and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal.

[16:26] A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance.

[16:38] A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost.

[16:52] A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together. A time to be silent and a time to speak.

[17:05] A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils?

[17:19] I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. He, talking about God, has made everything beautiful in its time.

[17:36] He has also set eternity in their heart. Yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning, even to the end.

[17:50] I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and do good in one's lifetime. Moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor.

[18:05] It is a gift from God. So, God has appointed a time for everything.

[18:16] And the second principle, do your work heartily for the Lord. Whether it's mundane housework or changing diapers or preparing a meal.

[18:30] Colossians 3, verse 17 and verse 23. Colossians 3, verse 17.

[18:43] Whatever you do, in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.

[18:57] And that's Colossians 3, verse 17 and verse 23. He says, he repeats this again. So, we need to think about God and think, even if you're serving your family, serving your husband, serving your church family.

[19:34] A friend, whatever. Think about the Lord is knowing this. He's looking down on us. And he knows what's in our heart and our heart's desires.

[19:49] And he knows if we're just doing it for selfish gain or we're doing it for him out of obedience to him. So, do your work heartily as for the Lord.

[20:07] And then the third biblical principle, Moses, in Psalm 90, he wrote that and he prayed, so teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom so that we won't be foolish and that we won't just fritter away our time.

[20:29] And then the fourth principle, we have a lot of freedom in the Lord to organize our time, but our plans must be subordinated to God's will.

[20:41] You know, what I discovered after a while of counseling, that it wouldn't matter what the person's problem was or what their struggles were, if they were lazy, they would not make progress.

[21:02] I mean, it could have been a simple thing to fix or something complicated, but they're just not, they're not going to do their homework either. And they're not going to make progress.

[21:15] So, James 4, starting in verse 13. Who, let's see. Come now, you who say, today or tomorrow, we will go to such and such a city and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.

[21:36] Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, if the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.

[21:55] But as it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.

[22:08] So, we have a lot of freedom in the Lord to make our plans, to organize our days. I know when I have somebody who tends to be lazy and self-indulgent, they won't get up in the mornings.

[22:27] They pride themselves on being a night person. Well, if I stayed up till 2 and 3 in the morning playing video games on Facebook, I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning either.

[22:40] But that laziness is like pulling teeth to help them. I put people on a schedule.

[22:52] You have to get up by 7 o'clock. You have to be showered and dressed by 7.30. And you have to call me on the phone. Now, if they're depressed and suicidal, they have to call me.

[23:06] And if they don't call me, I'm calling the police to come do a welfare check on them. But we have to, so guess what?

[23:18] If they were a night person and they start getting up in the mornings and taking care of their family, doing what they should be doing, all of a sudden they are not a night person anymore.

[23:32] They go, they're sleepy and they go to bed. So you have to work these things out with them.

[23:44] And I will help them get on the schedule and they have to check their time off during the day. We have freedom to organize and plan our time.

[23:56] But if we are not using it wisely, then you need help for somebody to help you. And then the last principle here is fulfill our God-given responsibilities.

[24:15] Paul calls this good works. I remember years ago, our church used to make Thanksgiving baskets.

[24:27] And there's a special place in our city where there are a lot of seniors living and they don't have much money.

[24:40] So we would go a few days before Thanksgiving and knock on the doors and give them a basket. One of the young men in our church gave this senior citizen lady a basket.

[24:56] And he emphasized to her, if you ever need help, call our church and we will help you. So she called a few weeks later.

[25:10] She held on to that number. And she said, I need a ride to the doctor tomorrow. And her welfare worker was out of town.

[25:26] Normally she would have taken her. And so our pastor said, well, I will ask one of the ladies to take you. We will help you.

[25:36] So he called me and said, can you arrange for somebody to take this lady to the doctor? And I said, sure.

[25:48] So I got the information. I called all the ladies in our church. We weren't probably as big as you are now. But one by one that I thought Mike could do that.

[26:04] And one by one, they had a reason why they wouldn't be able to do it. So all of a sudden, after spending a lot of time on this, I thought, well, I'm going to be the do-gooder.

[26:20] But I had my own plans for the next day. There was nothing that I couldn't put off. But I kind of had my heart set on having a day of writing or whatever it was.

[26:34] So I called the lady that afternoon. And I just said, I know where you live.

[26:45] I know who your doctor is. I'm a nurse. I'll pick you up. I'll take you. I don't want you to worry about it. I'll help you. But then I hung up.

[26:56] And in my heart, I was grumbling and complaining about it. Well, then I grumbled and complained through the rest of the day. And then the next morning, her welfare worker called me and said, I'm back in town.

[27:17] If you don't mind, I would rather, she would rather take her because she knew her history and her medical stuff. And she could help her and help the doctor.

[27:29] So I said, sure, you're welcome to take her. And then I hung up. And I was so ashamed the whole entire time.

[27:43] God knew I wasn't even going to have to go. And yet I had grumbled and complained for hours about doing a good deed that, I mean, I was just, I was just devastated by the depth of my selfishness and my sin.

[28:06] Ephesians 2 and verse 10 says, So we are to do the good works that God plans for us to do, whether we end up having to do them or not.

[28:40] And it doesn't mean you have to do everything. Like, our church is so big now, there's no way I can have my hand in everything that's going on, even though my heart is in everything that's going on.

[28:59] 1 Timothy 2, verse 9 and 10. Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing.

[29:14] And Paul describes what he means by proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold and pearls or costly garments, but your adornment rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness, doing the good works that the Lord would have us do.

[29:43] So, we are to redeem our time because the days are evil. The book of Ephesians was written by the Apostle Paul.

[29:58] He was in prison in Rome. And he tells his readers who he is, and then he bursts into praise of God for the spiritual blessings that God has given us in Christ.

[30:13] He prays for them. He tells, he reminds them that they were saved by grace through faith, and that not of yourselves. It is a gift of God.

[30:26] It's not of works, lest anyone should boast. And when he gets to chapter 4 in Ephesians, he urges him to live out the Christian life.

[30:38] And he describes it this way, walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called. And then he talks about having unity of the spirit in the bond of peace.

[30:53] And the rest of chapter 4 in Ephesians is the practical put off and put on verses, putting off this wrong way of thinking and acting, and in place of it putting on a godly way of thinking and acting.

[31:13] And then in chapters 5 and 6 in Ephesians, in verse 1, he says, Therefore be imitators of God as beloved children, and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us, as an offering and a fragrance to God, as a fragrant aroma.

[31:45] This is agape love. This is the example of Christ. In verse 2 in chapter 5. Not in sexual immorality, not in purity, not in covetousness, not in filthy talk or foolish talk, not in crude joking, instead of thanksgiving.

[32:05] And then verses 9 through 14, he says, Walk as children of the light. Well, the fruit of the light, of being in Christ, is goodness and right thinking, true thoughts through actions, pleasing to the Lord.

[32:28] 2 Corinthians chapter 4. And not take part in the works of darkness, but instead expose them.

[32:39] And then we are to be careful how we walk. Let's see. Verses.

[32:52] Chapter 5. Oh, chapter 5, verse 15. Paul says, Be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil.

[33:11] So, whatever he's going to be telling us after that, is being wise, making wise use of your time, redeeming the time.

[33:26] Um, being wise is a skill for making moral decisions that please God.

[33:38] And then he says, so don't be foolish, but understand what the will of God, what the will of the Lord is. So, whatever he's going to say after this, it's being wise and not walking as an unwise person or as a fool, making the most of your time and not being foolish, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

[34:08] And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation. That's utter ruin, is what that means, but be filled with the Spirit.

[34:23] And you could say, be controlled by the Holy Spirit. And then he gives a list of practical ways that we can do this.

[34:33] We can not be a fool. We can walk with the Lord. We can be filled with the Spirit. Verse 19 says, Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father.

[35:02] So, he said, always giving thanks. This reminds me of what he wrote in Philippians, to pray this way when you're anxious.

[35:16] And that prayer includes thank God, thanking God for, or thanking God that. And you have to fill in the blank. But always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father.

[35:34] And then he introduces the subject of being submissive and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Now, this is a general command.

[35:47] And I just gave a lecture a couple of weeks ago at the Biblical Counseling Conference in Fort Worth where the title of it was Are You Woke?

[35:58] Or Are You Awake? So, there are Christian women out there who claim to be Bible-believing, but they are saying things like, well, there's a limit of your submission.

[36:16] You're submissive with the big things, but not necessarily the small things. And then they quote this verse and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

[36:28] But then Paul, it's like he's saying, all right, heads up, I'm going to tell you what it means to be under the authorities that God has placed over you.

[36:42] Verse 22, wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. And then he gives the husband his responsibility.

[36:53] responsibility. The husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the savior of the body.

[37:04] But as the church is subject to Christ, so their wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. And then he says, husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

[37:19] And then he goes on there. And then he says, chapter 6, children, obey your parents. So the general thing is, whatever he's talking about in these following verses, it's walking carefully, being wise, not being unwise, not being foolish, being in God's will, and being filled with the spirit.

[37:47] This is a description. And part of this is the wife being submissive to her husband, unless the husband, of course, is asking her to sin.

[37:59] And then the children obeying their parents in the Lord for this is right. So if the wife doesn't have to be submissive, then neither do the children have to be submissive.

[38:14] So that's just, of course, ridiculous. So these Bible-believing women who are just being iffy about the, if you read their books, they're going, you're going to come away with, well, they're giving lip service to the big things.

[38:43] Like, I will obey my elders in my church. I need to be submissive to my husband. But, they're chomping at the bit with the lesser things.

[38:59] And you can tell as you read their books. I don't even recommend trying to figure out who's right and who's wrong.

[39:10] just go to the Bible and see what God says. So, walking as children of the light. Fruit of the light is being, is goodness being right, righteousness and true, pleasing to the Lord.

[39:31] Not taking part in the works of darkness, but instead even exposing them. time. So, look carefully how you walk. Walk wisely, making the best use of your time, redeeming the time.

[39:49] Have a, have a schedule, have a plan. I always had my 10-year plan, or now it's my 5-year plan, but have a plan for the day, for the week.

[40:02] just have, organize your schedule and keep to it. Get up in the mornings. Don't be foolish, but understand what the will of God is.

[40:17] So, we are to, he sums this up by saying, put on the whole armor of God, and we need to fight against our flesh and the devil and stand firm, striving after holiness.

[40:38] So, in summarizing this, we imitate God by walking in love, walking as children of the light, walking in wisdom, making the best use of your time, and be under the control of the Holy Spirit, as shown by gratitude, biblical submission to those over you in authority and fighting the flesh and the devil.

[41:08] Alright, practically, how do we redeem our time? Well, you should pray for wisdom and pray that God will give you a desire to do the good works that he has prepared for you.

[41:24] And do it with a heart of love, for the other person, and don't do it like I was going to do it, but grumble and complain about it. I plan in short-term and long-term increments.

[41:40] Lord, what do you want me to have accomplished for you from between now and the beginning of this summer? summer? Or, I tend to think in terms of till Christmas and then from Christmas till June, you know, that kind of thing.

[42:00] And just get to work. Make a daily list of the work you would like to accomplish, including everyday mundane tasks, such as cleaning your bathrooms or ironing.

[42:15] I know the young girls in here don't even know what I'm talking about with ironing, but I have an iron, and I have an ironing board, and I have a pile of stuff that I need to iron, and it just grows bigger and bigger.

[42:33] So, a lot of the things, a lot of the clothes you buy now, you don't have to iron, but unfortunately, I have some that you still have to do that. But if you get Chico's, like this, you can wad it up and it won't iron, even in your suitcase.

[42:54] Prioritize the list of the things that you need to do, and put the ones at the bottom of the list that you never quite get to at the top of your list, and start there.

[43:10] And just accomplish a little bit every day, or as you have time. For a few weeks, I recommend keeping a log of your Facebook email texting time.

[43:25] I think my phone does that automatically. Does the phone do that automatically? Tell you how many times, how many hours you've been on this phone?

[43:37] and pray for wisdom in this area. Ask the Lord if you really are using your time in wise ways.

[43:51] We have 12 grandchildren, and they're all, the youngest one is a junior in college now, and one, a couple, maybe a year ago or so, I had a big family, we had a big family dinner at our house, and I put a big basket out on the table, and I asked the kids to put their phone in it.

[44:17] You would have thought, I said, cut your arm off, and put it in this basket, and they did it, but they didn't like it, but we talked, you know, then they had to talk to us, so it was fun.

[44:31] It was fun for me, I don't know if it was fun for them, but we would be surprised, I'm surprised at how much time, especially in the evenings, I turn on the news, and then I get all riled up, and then I try to go to bed, so just don't waste your time, we can just fritter away our days, organize your work better, rise early, get dressed for the day, if you have a difficult time getting up early, go to bed early, take full advantage of the means of grace that God has given you, that's your church, that's your ladies Bible study, your daily Bible reading and prayer, make this your habit, make this your routine, thank God when he providentially hinders you from your task at hand, submit yourself graciously to his will for you at the moment, have as your deepest desire for God to use you however he chooses for his glory, so Paul said in

[45:54] Ephesians 5, look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil, so let's go ahead and just, we are, Josiah's going to come in and turn on the other mic so the questions will be recorded and you can stay there, and I'll stand off to the side, while he's doing that, there's an app called Scream Zen, that you can set on your phone and you can say only let me use social media, like Twitter ads or something, three times a day, five times a day, for just five minutes at a time or whatever, and then it tells you like, you've done great for this many days, and stuff like that, but it kind of, it makes you think before you just pop it open and then you go to check one thing and then you're down the rabbit trail, so throw that out there for you guys.

[47:01] Okay, so we're going to do these questions that were submitted, so we have about 30 minutes is all we're going to take at that, and I've got four questions here that were submitted, so I'm going to start with this one, yep, how we doing, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, my daughter and my daughter-in-law keep up with Facebook, so if anything important happens they let me know.

[47:36] Hello, we're still testing it, speak very loudly, okay, all right, so the first question, you know, I'm going to save that one for last, okay, the first question is, going back to your talk on manipulation, okay, so say that the person who is manipulating you, they profess to be a believer, they move to punishment and threats, and so should I continue, oh, they continue in withdrawing and acting cold, in what way do I pursue peace, am I to initiate contact or let them live with their choice to withdraw, what does biblical peacemaking look like in this set of circumstances, what is my responsibility as the one who is being mistreated and manipulated, okay, so the person that's manipulating, the manipulator is, he claims to be, or she claims to be a

[48:44] Christian, yes, okay, so, um, if they're a Christian, then you do what Jesus said in Matthew 18, because it's sin, if they're treating you that way, or, uh, punishing you that way, or, accusing you wrongly that, that way, in Matthew 18, in verse 15, Jesus said, if your brother sins, and even if it's your husband, go and show him his fault in private, if he listens to you, you have won your brother, so, if he listens, and repents, the issue is, for him, are you going to repent, and give God glory, so, be sure, don't, people can change in clear, objective ways, but they can't change in vague and fuzzy ways, so, if you go to your husband and say, what you're doing is wrong, you've hurt my feelings, you need to repent, he's probably going to be clueless and not even know what you're talking about, so, you need to give a clear, specific example of what he's doing wrong, and back it up with scripture, not an hour-long lecture, but just a simple, clear thing, you need to stop doing that, and you need to start being kind, and gentle, and loving, and graciously taking no for an answer, if what he's asking you to do is sin, so, show him his fault in private, if he doesn't listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every fact may be confirmed, so,

[51:00] I wouldn't take my best girlfriend and my mother with me, if I was going to be talking to my husband, I would take some of the godly men in the church, not necessarily the elders though, and then confront him with the sin, and the issue is, are you going to repent and give God glory?

[51:23] Now, if she is in a truly abusive relationship and is fearful that he will retaliate and punish her or hit her or choke her or do something, then that's a whole different ball game.

[51:41] She needs to go to the elders in the church, tell them the truth of what is happening, don't exaggerate it, but don't underplay it either, and then say, I need help, and they need to help her come up with a plan of escape.

[52:01] escape. I call it the escape plan if she needs to. It's going to have to be her decision, though, or she may need to call the police.

[52:17] If you read the Excellent Wife book, chapter 14 is the whole thing is a big chapter, resources to protect the wife when the husband is sinning.

[52:30] And so, I mean, I do things like, I've had women, they'll say, well, if I confront my husband with anything, he'll kill me.

[52:42] Well, I believe them. And so, I will say, at that point, we need to consult with the elders and come up with a plan to protect you.

[52:56] And if she has children, she needs an escape, it's difficult when women are abused because they're so beat down, they're scared.

[53:12] They've been covering up for him probably for years. And so, if that's the situation, you have to be patient with them.

[53:22] if they finally have enough courage to come forward and tell the truth. So, anyway, in that green book, I have a whole chapter on how I counsel somebody that's in a true abusive relationship.

[53:42] But just manipulation is not at the level of the kind of abuse that I have to help women deal with.

[53:53] But it says, if he refuses to listen to them, to the initial witness and then the other people that come along beside her, then tell it to the church, the church family.

[54:12] Now, you don't get up and make an announcement to the church family. you go to the elders, they will investigate the matter and then if the husband or whoever refuses then to repent, then Jesus said, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

[54:40] In other words, they're to be considered by the church as an unbeliever. And that's so, it's go privately, then if he doesn't repent, take other people with you.

[54:55] If he doesn't repent, then go to the elders and then if he doesn't repent, then they will tell it to the church. It's a very sobering thing, it's very serious, and what's so scary about this.

[55:16] Verse 18, truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth shall have been bound in heaven.

[55:31] So, if they're declared to be an unbeliever by the elders, they will tell the church family, you go after him and give him the gospel and show your love to him and exhort him to repent and give God glory.

[55:53] But if he won't repent, repent, then he is, he's hell bound is what this means.

[56:04] So, we can think that a man might not be a Christian, there's not, he doesn't seem to show that he's a Christian, but we, but he claims to be, and he, you know, if he says I am a Christian, I know I'm saved, the elders will have to make a decision about that.

[56:32] It's very sad, it's very serious, but that is the job of the pastors, the elders in the church, and we have a man, a middle-aged man, who just recently was excommunicated from our church, and it just, it just makes, made me sad, it made me cry, but he still is not repentant, so at any point in time, if he really, truly repents, he can come back to the elders, and they will investigate the matter, and then possibly restore him again, but they have a lot of God-given authority, so we need to respect that.

[57:28] So, what if it's not a husband, it's a close family member who is not in your church, maybe is even in another state or something, then how do you respond?

[57:41] Do you, if they're being cold, how much do you pursue them? How do you pursue them? Well, I would still go to them privately.

[57:52] I might take other family members or witnesses or friends or whoever would go and exhort them to repent.

[58:07] If they're in a church, it just, you would pray for wisdom, but you might want to contact the elders in that church and pursue with it.

[58:25] It would be hard to do if they're not in your church family, but a problem is most churches will not do church discipline.

[58:43] discipline. And Jay Adams, who started our biblical counseling ministry, used to say, if a church won't do church discipline, they're not even a real church.

[58:55] They're not dealing seriously with sin. So, anyway, but if a woman needs to pursue discipline against her husband or somebody in her church, and she can take it as far as the elders will let her, like, go privately, take others, and then tell the elders.

[59:24] And they really, it would be scary for me to be in the elders' position and not deal with this, what Jesus has said, very clearly do this, do that, and then this will be bound in heaven.

[59:49] All right, the next one is, so earlier you mentioned PMS, and if everybody in your house knows PMS, well, there's a whole group of us who are dealing with a whole other issue. So, how do you respond to and deal with menopausal anxiety?

[60:04] anxiety? Well, menopausal anxiety, like your hormones are shutting down and you...

[60:17] That's the question that, so maybe you've, you know, anxiety's been an issue, but just with menopause and all that's happening, it seems to be ramping up.

[60:29] Well, hormones can be good news or bad news, and whether it's PMS, the few days before your period actually starts, or when you're menopausal and your hormones and you're having night sweats and all that mess, for those of you that are younger, I would just encourage you when I went through menopause, it was a happy thing for me.

[61:04] I'm like, I'm never going to have a period again. I was so happy about that. I became more stable in menopause, but if you have an anxiety problem, even if it's not that big, it's going to be exaggerated, in the PMS time and then some days in the menopausal time.

[61:34] So, you know, you can go to your doctor, you can ask him for help if there's anything that might help alleviate that, but I think if you deal with your underlying anxiety issues, like we talked about for over an hour today, I think that won't be so exaggerated and so bad.

[62:04] I mean, everybody's different. Their bodies are different and their hormone levels are different, but I know some people just, my PMS time, I became a nightmare to the people around me because I had an anger problem.

[62:26] And so that was exaggerated during that time, but once the Lord helped temper me in those areas, then it just became more like a mild annoyance a little bit, but you've got to take your thoughts captive in obedience to Christ.

[62:50] I remember one time PMSing, we were, Sankey and I were driving somewhere, it was just the two of us, and my period was a day or two from starting, and then I just had this bizarre thought, and I expressed it to him, I said, you would be better off if I were dead.

[63:13] Now, that came out of the blue, he almost drove off the road, and he yelled at me, why did you say that? I said, that's how I feel, and I started crying, and he said, that is not true, and don't you ever say that again, so I never did.

[63:35] So, we can say, we can feel, just, we can go crazy when, when our hormones are going crazy, but we have, they can put you on all kinds of medicine, but I, it's not going to really help.

[63:53] The doctors, I read a bunch of GYN articles on PMS, and each one of them started out with two or three paragraphs on, if you have a patient who has a problem with PMS, then if she would go off of caffeine during those days, and if she would do light, brief exercise every day during those days, like maybe take a 15 minute walk, not, not just jogging or running, walking, but just walking, she will likely alleviate most of the bad side effects of PMS, and then they would have page after page after page of the psychotropic drugs and all that, but they admit that that's not really going to help, not much help, but if they would just go off caffeine, and mark your calendar, if your periods are regular, and your period starts today, and in 28 days it's going to start again, mark that day on your calendar, and then count back about five or six days, the PMS time is pre-menstrual, pre-period, when your period starts, all the craziness in your mind will go away, but then you have cramps, and you don't feel good maybe, but that's easier I think to tolerate than the PMS time, so just don't plan a big dinner party for ten people during that PMS time, just keep aware of your calendar, time.

[66:08] Thank you, all right, as the mother of a married daughter with a family of her own, what would a biblical response be to her trying to direct my life?

[66:18] She and her husband are saved, and they follow biblical principles with their children, but her trying to direct my life. Okay, your children never stop trying to direct your life.

[66:32] once they get grown, one day they wake up and they say, oh, mom needs help, or dad needs help.

[66:43] Our kids have just decided that, so that could be good news or bad news, but I told Sankey, we talked about this a few years ago, I said, well, when we get to where we don't need to be driving and our kids say, you need to give up driving, let's agree now that we will agree with them and be gracious.

[67:08] He said, we can say that now, but wait until the time comes. So, anyway, if I were counseling somebody who presented with that problem, I would have to ask more questions.

[67:25] I would have to say, give me some examples of what they're saying. So, that way I could give them better counsel.

[67:41] You could say to your daughter, well, let me pray about this and I will consider what you're saying.

[67:55] But, it would just depend on the specifics of it. And maybe depending on, I don't know what the situation is either, depending on what it is, some of the, what you talked about in the manipulation section, the earlier part of it might apply.

[68:13] By earlier, I mean the earlier stages of the manipulation part. The responses in there were good in that. as we get older, we realize we need more help.

[68:31] And, they, the, the, our two children and their two spouses are, if we say we need help, we got back from a cruise, a long cruise, and I had the worst case of COVID that I've ever had at the end of the cruise, and I was so sick.

[68:55] And, so, for days after we got back, I mean, I was just laying around. I just couldn't do anything. And, Sankey was, he got COVID from me, but he wasn't near as sick as I was, but he still couldn't go to the grocery store and all that.

[69:13] So, one morning, Anna was helping us all, every day, but David was nowhere to be heard from or seen, so I was getting aggravated at him.

[69:28] Don't you know that we need help? So, that's not what I said. I texted him one morning, and I said, David, we need help.

[69:40] Well, he was out of town on vacation, and it put him in a panic. So, he called his sister and said, Mom and Dad need help, will you go over there and help them or find out what's going on?

[69:55] He said, I can come back, you know, if you need me to. Anna said, they're hungry, they want breakfast. So, see, I didn't even give him the slightest benefit of the doubt.

[70:14] I figured he was in town. So, anyway, it works both ways. But you have to, they, I would say, probably a daughter like that may have some valid points.

[70:36] So, I would at least consider what she's saying. All right. All right, and last question, and then we're going to sing the last song.

[70:48] What is the biblical perspective on women in church ministry? How deeply should they be involved, for example, leading music ministry? Sorry.

[71:00] Thanks a lot. Well, you just, you just talked on this, right? Partly? At ACBC? No, I was talking about being, well, anyway, this wasn't my question.

[71:21] It's very clear in the Bible that the women are not to be teaching the men. So, they shouldn't be teaching men's mixed Sunday school classes.

[71:33] They shouldn't be teaching, preaching, being pastors, that, that's crystal clear.

[71:45] Now, you would have to, as far as the other areas of serving, you would have to approach the elders and just be gracious about what they decide.

[72:01] Like, we need our choir back, but we don't have, there's a possibility of a man that is qualified and he may start it up again.

[72:14] We have a woman who's extremely qualified and she has volunteered to start a choir and lead the choir and the elders have said no.

[72:27] So, I'm sorry, but we just need to be gracious and she is gracious. She's not offended.

[72:38] She understands it's not because of her. It would, it's just their understanding of the Bible and their conviction.

[72:48] son. She, I don't know, her secrets are saying no of she's offensive her but she has been a tai her as kind of this baby may but he has one of